The One True Thing

In our most recent teambuilding workshop last December 19 and 20 in Canyon Woods, Tagaytay, I touched on the issue of addressing diversity through trust. And in the session, I asked the group this simple question: "In a relationship, what is more important? Trust or love?" I got an echoing response of "trust".

In the work setting, one obtains trust from a superior or colleague by having a healthy balance of high character and high competence. Say, for example, a messenger is highly skilled: he reports to work on time, delivers the mails and parcels efficiently, has excellent organizational skills. He, however, is very ill-natured and unapproachable, spreads privileged information to outsiders, and has no consideration for others. This type of person will never get the trust of his peers. On an inverse example, say he is very pleasant, helps colleagues every way he can, and even jokes around with his peers. However, he is habitually late, delivers to the wrong recipients, and has very poor filing system. For obvious reasons, he will likewise not earn the trust of his peers.

This is a very Stephen Coveyish way of putting it, but it is the most simplistic. And it is the most universal. This does not only apply to the work setting, but in different relationships as well.

In a romantic relationship, trust is the one true thing that keeps people together. Yes, trust and trust alone. Not even love. For what really is a relationship worth if trust does not exist?

I fell in love with someone seven years ago and fell truly deep. I gave my very best, my all, and proved my worth. I was told that I was deeply loved...but that I wasn't exactly trusted. No matter what I did to prove myself trustworthy, I never quite lived up to earning it. If stayed out late, I'd be constantly asked who I was with, why I was still out, the works, even if it was a completely harmless junket of sorts. If my phone rang or beeped, I'd be asked right away who it was and what it was about. If I went online, I'd be surmised as going on those crummy dating or chatting sites even if I was just checking my mail. If I looked at someone fine-looking passing by, I'd be thought of as flirting, even if I was just--for Chrissakes--looking. Or, if went out of town on an official trip, I'd be practically forced to "report" my every move, only because I was being checked up on almost every hour, just to make sure that I wasn't doing anything sleazy. After two and a half years of proving myself trustworthy and still not earning what I truly deserved in the first place, I snapped. The very next day after the realization that I will never be trusted no matter what, I did every single "charge" I was accused of. and then I moved on.

Trust and Love. True, they do go together. But without trust, love--no matter how the magnitude is--is simply not enough. In my book, one can love without trust...but one can never trust and not love at the same time. When you trust someone, love automatically follows. It is the strongest of all foundations, superior to love, compatibility, focus, and loyalty or commitment.

Trust: the one true thing that matters me. What matters most to you?