Kvetch Bonanza

'Tis the season to be jolly my ass.

Below are things that annoy me...or at the very least get me stumped. In my last few hours and days prior to Christmas and New Year, I say we kvetch away, and throw these negative vibes out the window one last time.

1. Albino lights. Yes, those bright white headlights that new cars and SUVs have, that seem to be in perpetual flare at night...especially when you are being tailgated. I swear, if given an opportunity, I'm going to snatch the damned driver off his seat, tie him to an industrial chair with nylon rope, yank his eyelids open, and make him stare at his own albino lights for a full hour. Let's see who'd be cursing at the lights.

2. It's a Guy Thing. You know those just-peed men who do not wash their hands? Uhm. Hello? As long as you do not shake my hands or handle my food, we're cool. Another guy thing that blows me away is this: men who maneuver their dicks in public (you know the drill: left hand on the fly, right hand goes for a dive all the way down the crotch, reaches for his member and moves it around...and there it is, the classic "kambyo"). Man, I am not shaking that hand.

3. Obviously trying-hard and faux American accent. Yeah, like, ohmigosh, uh-uh!!! In the midst of the current call center explosion, we are now officially surrounded by enculturized and "alienized" Filipino-turned-pseudo-Americans. Babe, you're with us Pinoys outside of your work shifts (assuming we'd get to hang out in the evenings, when you're usually working hard), so cut the twang. Unless, of course, you REALLY do sound like that. And in saying this piece, I'm not just talking of the call center accent. I'm also referring to the overrated kolehiyala twang. You're so, like, gosh. Please stop. My ears bleed.

4. Unisex greetings. You've ever been inside a mall or restaurant and you--as a single, individual male or female with no companion--were greeted with a "Good evening Mam/Ser"??? Somewhere in the middle of reading their training manuals and the actual implementation, these poor individuals were never really told that the slash in the "Ma'am/Sir" means "or". Why, thank you, Mam,Ser.

5. Ad nauseam conversations. When I say "no", it means no. When I say "yes", it's yes. When I tell you that it's "X", don't be automatically thinking that there's a Y or an XY; or a hidden agenda. If you won't take my word for it, then don't be too pesky. It ain't cute. Or would you like me to repeat it again twice for the second time around once more from the top?

6. Murphy's Law. Duh. Who likes this shit? Ever been in snail-paced traffic on your way to work...and running late, for that matter...or perhaps having diarrhea, and REALLY needing to go? Or your desktop pc acts up when you're like 5 minutes from a deadline? Or ordering all the not-available-just-for-today items on the menu when you're famished? Or rain pouring right after you're pulling out of the car wash? Bad luck. Irony. Baaaaad, Murphy.

7. SMS dates. Ever had a date who almost never really talked to you the entire date, but instead kept texting on his/her phone? He/She doesn't like you. Excuse yourself...leave. But please text him/her on your way out that you're walking out on him/her.

8. Know-it-all dates. Or what about the date who yaks about their accomplishments, travels, properties, trivial information, and other 411's you didn't need or want to know on date #1...WITHOUT YOU EVEN ASKING. Babe, don't they ever shut up in your planet?

9. Never mind folks. When people start their statements with an enthusiastic "Ohmygod!" or "Can I tell you something?" or "Uhm...I was thinking...", and then, just when your attention's focused on them already, they'll say, "Never mind". WTF???

10. Body odor. Jesus. Ever heard of deodorants? It's those things you roll under your pits to keep 'em dry.

11. Coffeeshop junkies. Let's face it. Coffee is good...in MODERATION. And if you must stay in Starbucks or Seattles or Coffee Bean or Figaro with just a teenie weenie cup of espresso or latte that you've emptied almost two hours ago, please pound it in your inconsiderate heads that there might be other people waiting for a damned table. Get another cup! You're not helping coffee sales by just displaying yourself on the windowpane.

12. Picky cab drivers. Since when were cab drivers given the advantage of choosing their passengers and their destinations??? This is so Studio 54, except instead of getting picked because of your connections or looks or sheer appeal, they choose you if they FEEL like picking you up. Mister driver, if you never planned on fetching and dropping people off their destinations, DON'T be a cab driver. Go plant rice or something.

13. Fat women wearing body-fit clothes. Whoooooa! Love your confidence. Hate your look.

14. Discrimination at its best. Ever been given a suspicious look at US or UK or French Immigrations? Yes, it's your green passport. Or forced to be packed like sardines in the back trains of the LRT1 even if the first two trains are uncrowded. Yeah, cuz you're not a woman, you poor perverted man. Or those stupefying dress codes. Went to Pier One Bar and Grill at Roxas Boulevard a couple of days ago. First time there. As we were reserving for a Smoking Area table for five, I saw the dress code: "Casual but fashionable"..."No rubber sandals allowed". Ohmygod. Was there a fashion police inside? And shit, my sandals were Birkenstocks! I spent four grand just to be discriminated against? Please.

15. Free annotators in movie houses. Have you ever sat through a movie--no matter how interesting or boring it may be--beside anannotator? It's those pests that either tell his/her seatmate (with no realization that his/her voice is as loud as a megaphone on full blast): (a) what's going to happen next in the movie, (b) what's the scene about, as if the other person does not use his/her brain to understand it him/herself, (c) what he/she found interesting in this part of the movie, (d) a side-comment about a character (e.g. "This girl is sooo maarte" or "Ohno, ito yung masamang loob!"), or (e) "Ohmygod, don't miss this part!". Beware peeps. If you ended up sitting beside me, you better know how to annotate about chatty moviegoers' hairs getting drenched with Coke.

16. Blog Peeping Toms Turned Editors/Critics. You know how your blog's out in the open, up for grabs, free for all? If you're going to start bitching about inconsistencies in my entries, or have a leisure pursuit of proofreading 'em for typos or grammatical slip-ups, remember these things: (1) I ain't writing for you...I'm writing for nobody in particular; (2) If I wanted my entries to be immaculate from errors, I'd work for a major paper or magazine and hire me an editor; and (3) Geesh. Get a life. Write your own blog and stop whining.